You’ve been seeing this man for a while, now, and it’s been amazing. In fact, you think he might be “The One.” He’s got all the traits and attributes you were looking for in a partner—he’s sensitive, funny, respectful, handsome, a considerate lover, all of them. Except there’s one problem—he’s told you he’s not looking for a relationship and this breaks your heart because you are and he’s perfect. Besides, he keeps calling you, asking you out and texting.
That must mean something, doesn’t it?
Unfortunately, the answer is “maybe and maybe not.”
Men don’t really play games. They’re pretty straightforward, good men are, anyway. If you’re their “One,” they know it, so if they say they’re not looking for a relationship, there’s something else going on.
- They may not be ready to commit to one woman.
- They may like your company (and the sex) but you’re not “The One” for them.
- They may have been hurt and it’s a defensive mechanism.
- They may be still hung up on their ex and are emotionally unavailable. Or…
- You’re going too fast and he likes you, but he’s feeling pressured to commit and is afraid of committing.
Bottom line, either your guy is not letting you go because there isn’t really another woman to take your place…yet, or he’s hesitating to take that final leap into a commitment. (Note: It’s very common for a man to pull back right before he takes that commitment leap.)
So what are you going to do about it? It’s your life, after all, not his and your happiness is your responsibility, not someone else’s. It’s time to think about YOU because it’s not healthy to wonder and worry and try to figure out what it all means.
When deciding what you’re going to do about this situation, begin with YOU.
What do you want?
How will you honor your needs and goals?
How will you respect yourself and your future?
So many women (myself included once upon a time) put their wants and needs on the back burner and give their power to the guy, meaning, being there for him, not setting clear boundaries for what works for you or doesn’t work, and not saying how you’re really feeling. Men really can’t read your mind and they’re not good at subtle hints. You need to be direct with them.
It is time to make some decisions, girl friend, for your sake, for your ultimate happiness….
Choice one: Let Sleeping Dogs Sleep.
You can do that. Keep the status quo. But, ask yourself–is it really okay with you to let things be as they are and hope that he will come around and see how good for him you are? If it is, then keep in mind the longer you’re with him you’re risking even more heartache down the road if a break up is the end result.
Choice two: The Risky Conversation.
Is it time to take the risk that he’s been telling you the truth–that he’s really not ready for a relationship with you, nor does he want one. IS it time to set your boundaries?
If the answer is ‘yes,’ then how do you set a boundary?
By giving him a choice. Tell him, bluntly, what you want and if he doesn’t want that, then you need to stop seeing him and he needs to stop contacting you.
I realize you are taking a big risk and that you may lose him. I know it’s painful and scary, but be brave, sister. It will be better in the long run.
I witnessed my niece being brave. She set her boundaries, told her boyfriend her needs. And the end result? Her boyfriend ended the relationship because he wasn’t willing to match what she felt was necessary for a healthy, long-term partnership. My niece was heartbroken, but she took time to grieve, to nurture herself. After awhile, she felt powerful and strong because she knew she could trust herself and she was even more clear what she wanted in a partner. It felt good to own her life again, to be her own woman.
Funny thing happened.
During their time apart, my niece’s boyfriend realized how special she really was. They were married last May.
I’m not telling you that story to give you hope, I’m telling you that story because if the man you are seeing now is “The One, and you’re “His One,” then he’s going to let you know because he’s not going to want to lose you. And if he doesn’t let you know, then you can begin the grieving process, appreciate the good times, learn from the bad and move on, stronger than you were before you two met.
Remember, it is YOUR LIFE.
Whether you decide to keep the relationship as is, or if you decide to set your boundaries, begin to make plans with friends and disengage from him. Become more independent, less available.
Take back your power.
You may be surprised how the dynamics will shift when he realizes you’re not waiting around for him.